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Caitlin----My Little World of Wonders and Writing---- |
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July 05 Just Me WritingI need to be free with my pen or my keyboard or my pencile. My mind is clogged and I am feeling trapped. I feel like something is looming over me, but I don't know what it is. I tried writing something meaningful today; it was a waste of time. Whenever tried it never comes out right, but when I just simple go at it, it always means more than just the single words. I wish I was more symbolic with my writings... or rather more successful when I do try to be symbolic.
I need to write some poetry or something a little bit less dull than just a blog or a paragraph. Ah man, I feel so out of place. Anyways... I have to go.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn
P.S. Ah short series of blogs... how I have missed you so. Me Being Weird MeWhy is it that when I have a problem, I turn to the oddest people for advice, or at least want to. Anyways... Leif and I had a talk last night and he suggested that I make some of it into a poem, so I am going to, not now though.
Anywho, I should go.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn June 28 Pride ParadeThe Pride Parade was so much fun =) Had some ups and downs with it, but that is usually how it goes with most things.
As I am sitting here, alone as I do most every night, I can't help but feel a wordless emotion take over me. It is thoughtful and blunt, saddening in it's way of making my mind think. I feel I should be finished talking with people about my problems. Why should they care or carry the cross I have been given to bare? Possibly, though, there is a needed break of stopping and telling just at least one person on my walks pathway that it hurts or causing some sort of emotion in me. I feel though, that perhaps, I should let it be and silently remain with it forcing me onward or otherwise. Too much focus, I see, hath been placed on me. Maybe I am seeking out someone else, to feel that I am not alone with these feelings or thoughts or mindset. Although, I do believe my mind is my own in it's way, though, I am sure, every idea I have had someone else has had before. It is how it is phrased and how it is spoken that make it different. In a way, originality is non-exsistant, but in another way, it is still very much here, creating new and bolder ideas for phrase and spoken words.
Ah... I feel stupid for writing this way. I will go.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn June 26 I think this is 201 O.o"You really don't need to prove anything to anyone, dear Scorpio. You may be feeling under a bit of pressure to get a lot of work done. But some projects, especially those that require creativity, simply can't be rushed. You will find that if you take your time and allow your muse to work her magic, you will produce something of real merit in the end. If, however, you try to rush, your time will likely be spent in vain."
I needed to see that :) I have been trying to write more, and I have been, praticularly at work. But I have come up with something I think is okay-ish. I am also reading a book called "Mistress Shakespeare" which is an OKAY book. I finished "The Da Vinci Code" I think last week... it was really good :) I am starting to like "Mistress Shakespeare" more and more though... possibly because William Shakespeare is becoming a bigger and bigger role in the book, but it is still mainly about the woman they THINK he was married to before Anne Hathaway. I am such a nerd...
Anywho, tonight I saw one of my good friends from my first High School :) It was awesome, but I don't think that his girlfriend cares for me all too much, he said that she didn't dislike me though... who knows? She probably doesn't really have an opinion on me and I am just overthinking it. Anywho... work at Spencer's is almost over, I am soooooo excited. I miss getting to see Aaron (the friend from my first High School) on a somewhat more regular bases. Oh well though I guess. I should probably go soon. Maybe I will type up something that I wrote at work, but it is much like something else I have written. Ooooohhhh weellll. I need to revisit some of the old things anyways :) I am starting to suck at writing things of true meaning... or something that can be seen as deep and meaningful rather than just some words in a document or on a piece of paper I grabbed at.
I feel like I am letting down a lot of people as of late. As if somehow I am doing something that I am not supposed to be doing or something I should be doing and I just am not. Things have been alright for me. They really could be better. I feel odd and misplaced in this world, it is almost like I was picked out of another zone and placed into something else. I feel that I must regain control of myself soon... and I must regain a part of myself soon as well... I fear I am loosing something about me that I find special and useful and needed. I need time to think about it a lot more than just on my walk home when I have to hurry back here so that some guys don't start following me. I haven't written in my story in a long while, but that is because it needs A LOT of editing done to it and I don't have the time because I work two jobs at the moment. I am excited to start College where my writing will be slightly more focused and I can learn new ways to say things and my vocabulary will hopefully expand. It is very small now. Maybe I should start just looking words up and test them in sentences? Hmm... it doesn't sound like a bad idea. I wanted this to be a little bit more meaningful, but for some reason the deapths of my soul are shut off from me - it worries me. I feel detached from it, my soul, and my being itself is here. I wish I knew why. Perhaps it is because I don't really want to pour too much of myself out anymore... I feel that when I do I am taken advantage of. It has happened more than once where I feel this way. I wish I could share what I am feeling... or rather trying to feel. I feel empty. I don't feel alone though, somehow. How is it that I am empty, and yet not alone? I feel that I should be alone, but I know that there is a presense keeping me company until my disconnected soul returns to me, so to speak. I can feel that it is there, but it feels lost in something I do not know. Something foreign and unreadable with no map to guide me. Maybe what I am experiencing is what everybody experiences once they are on their own, or so they feel that they are; which I do. I am facing a decision, I do not really want to make. Do I want to stay here in Washington, where I am "on my own," or do I want to tell my mom that I am coming to Wisconson? I don't think I could leave my dad here alone... not when he is having such a hard time with money right now. I feel that I should stay, but I am longing to go - it would be a change of scene and I am sick of this one. The same one that I have been in in all chapters of my life. The background has stayed the same throughout. It is dull and boring to see my entire life's story so far played in one scene. One place. The setting makes half of it interesting to hear about. But I suppose I will never really be "heard about." Not unless I do something. I am just unsure of what to do.
What should I do? My mind is racing with many thoughts of things I want and things I want to do and things that I have a duty to do. I feel that I should stay here and watch over some things... sounds odd and crazy. However, I feel that I would be put to better use elsewhere. Such as Wisconson where I am actually needed and could possibly start getting more motivated to put my writing out there. More so than I do now, which is hardly done. I feel that I have a porpose, but I don't know what it is quite yet, nor do I think it will be revealed to me in an easy fashion. I am going to have to work for it. Work for my passion, which I feel is serving my porpose, which I do believe is to touch people through things I have written or said. Silly and strange as it sounds, I can never shake the feeling I get when I write. I feel right. I feel at peace and connected to the world below, about, and above me. It is what I am made to do; I can feel it, down to my roots - deep into my soul, a soul I cannot feel besides when I am in heavy thought while writing. I fear that my writing will soon be lost. Yet I hope and pray to God it will never be, but it is how things work, how everything works. It is a scary thought to think that no one will forever be remembered, not even someone as great a playwright as William Shakespeare or a poet so great as Edward Allen Poe and many more.
I should stop my rediculous ramble here. Farewell.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn June 23 What A DayWhat A Day it is,
As the Sun is Shining,
When the Heart is toiling,
And the Stomache turning - rebelling.
What A Day it is.
As the workload is heavy,
When the Mind is clutching still,
And those Thoughts so clutched are slipping.
What A Day, indeed.
It should be a Sing-Song of love,
But instead a Dance with Knives,
So goes the Stab as each draws near, in suppos'd peace.
What A Day it is,
As the Sun is Shining,
A Knife Dance takes a heavy place below,
And so goes the Stab as each draws near, in suppos'd peace.
By: Caitlin Schemmer June 19 I am Quitting Spencer's I put in my two weeks notice yesterday and I will no longer be working there as of the 2nd, possibly sooner if Star can get someone in there before then. Today was a kinda crappy day. I was sick, one of my bosses boss thinks that I have a flat personality... so that was an ice cream topper. I am extremely tired right now... I should go to bed. A lot of things are good in my life, and a few things are really shitty. But I won't go into that right now. Nighty night. Bye-Bye, Ttfn June 12 Blarg, Freaking Computers, and The Sims3So I finally got the chance to play The Sims3 on Leif's computer last night, before we went and saw The Hangover (which was REALLY funny), BUT I couldn't play much because his computer decided to take a poop =( So I have to restart my Sim and my game and everything >.< Oh well =) It's not like I played her really, so that is a bonus. I have to say, so far the game is AWESOME for what I like to do with the Sims, which is to make them, not so much play them. I am going to play the game though =P I might even load my Sims onto the Sims Exchange after I get them far enough in life... They have difficulty levels on certain families and your Sims that you have made yourself. I think this is dependant on what personality traits you give them and the amount of people in your home. I noticed that the more people, the higher the difficulty was ranked. I am going to experiment with the personality traits more hopefully tonight if Leif bring his computer back over (I think he said he was going to, but I think he misses it =P). I am going to remake the Sim I made last night though, she was perfect >.< Grr... Stupid need of reinstallation. Anyways, the game is REALLY amazing as far as how pretty it is. There isn't a HUGE selection of any on thing, but thanks to Create A Style (CAS) it doesn't matter; having CAS is WAY better than having a bunch of different couches, but all of them having really ugly looking colors or something that doesn't quite fit. I am still trying to figure out how I make it so that I can match all of the colors up, without sitting there for ten minutes trying to match it up exactly that way. I am going to definitely play around with it as soon as I possibly can. =D I can't even tell you how excited I am right now :D:D:D
I haven't played Cabal in a while... I probably should though... I need to make level 110, or at least 100 soon that way I can start playing WoW and MapleStory. Well... I might just start playing MapleStory on Leif's computer since my laptop won't let me redownload it -.- I am so pissed about that.
Anywho! I better get going, I am at work.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn June 10 O.o Whoah Odd. Normally this is all green, but for some reason right now it's not, it's white. Racist. Anywho.... Tonight at Spencer's wasn't too bad. Apparently I am spelling wasn't wrong O.o Is that not a word? Hmm... odd. Do you know what else I find odd, and kind of annoying. The fact that your custom smileys only appear on the computer you saved them to -_- How stupid. Grr. I miss my smileys :( I need to send them to myself. I am thinking of making youtube videos, but I am not so sure if I am willing to make an ass out of myself on video. Haha. I haven't used the phrase "heeheehee" In a loooong time. Idk why though. Well I am going to try and make blogs more regularly from now on. OH YEAH!!!! I GOT THE SIMS3 ON MONDAY AND OOOOHHHHH MYYY GOOODDDNNNEESSSS AM I EXCITED :D Sadly I haven't had the chance to play it -.- Because of freakin Leif and his nonplugged in CD player on his computer. Jerk. BUT ANYWHO!! I am very uberly excited about this :D The Sims have come such a long way since when they first came out. I loved the first one sooo much. I remembered thinking that it couldn't get any cooler; then The Sims2 came out! AND NOW! They have finally made it even more graphically intense, but also made it an open living neighborhood! >_< I can't even describe how excited I am! =D I am going to make a special blog on The Sims3 after I get the chance to play it T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! AH XDDD Okay. Well I should go... this was kind of a lame blog. I think I know what I will use for my first vlog on youtube though. So I guess I should get right on that O.o Me and my attempted inspirational paraghaphs/poems. Woo... Okay. I should go =P Bye-Bye, Ttfn June 03 DrainedI sense something is going to happen, to A LOT of people. But it isn't going to be directly related to the single people it effects. I felt it strongest last night, which is why I am so drained today. I better go. I have to get ready for work.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn May 25 Dancing by ElisaTime is gonna take my mind and carry it far away where I can fly The depth of life will dim the temptation to live for you If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears 'cause it's all about love and I know better How life is a waving feather So I put my arms around you around you And I know that I'll be living soon My eyes are on you they're on you And you see that I can't stop shaking No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes 'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath Oh could burst it if it were a bubble And I'd better dream if I have to struggle So I put my arms around you around you And I hope that I will do no wrong My eyes are on you they're on you And I hope that you won't hurt me I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you No need for anything but music Music's the reason why I know time still exists Time still exists Time still exists So I put my arms around you around you And I hope that I will do no wrong My eyes are on you they're on you And I hope that you won't hurt me So I put my arms around you around you And I hope that I will do no wrong My eyes are on you they're on you And I hope that you won't hurt me I love this song so much... I found it about a year ago. It makes me think, in a good way though. It used to make me depressed, but no more. =) |
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