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10月31日 To Strangers and FriendsSometimes I wonder about how many times I've helped someone and they won't know that I have helped them until much later in life, and by then they will have forgotten my name and who exactly I was in relation to the change. They would know that I was the start of the change and that they are thankful for the change, but they won't truly remember the silly situation they were in at the time and why they choose to confide in me, and not a friend?
I find it interesting that many people do this, including myself. I choose someone that I know and probably shouldn't trust to keep my secret. The odd thing is is that they do, as if they have been given some sort of thing to protect. And I do the same for these people. Mostly because I want them to do that to perfect strangers or to people they disagree with, or maybe even hate. I think that it is important to try to spread this. I sound like some crazy person, saying that I could possibly teach random people, friends even, a lesson or two. But I like to think that some of the time I do, especially with this.
It is so much easier to tell someone who doesn't even know you all about your problems because, really, who are they gonna tell? And honestly, when are you ever going to see them again? Why not tell someone you don't get along with, sure there is a risk that they might ruin you, but there is also the chance of a friendship that could last you the rest of your life. I find that a lot of my long term friends are the ones I just choose one day to trust blindly, just out of the blue after not liking them for so long. I think this is because I like to push people I like at first away and then they think that I don't like them and then I have to try and regain their trust, whereas people I have already pushed away and still talk to, I can just gain a first trust. It will be untarnished and completely new. I like it that way. It sounds odd that this is the way I do it, but it is. I guess it is just my way of trying to see the real people from the fake ones that so often enter my life. I don't mind the fake people, though. It gives me a chance to show them something that they might not have seen before and it allows for them to know that they CAN be themselves around me, so long as they accept the bad parts about themself and not try to deny it.
That is one thing that really irritates me about a lot of people, they won't own up to their flaws. I own up to mine now, because really, who am I hiding from? People that I think are my friends because they think they know the real me. That makes a lot of sense, especially when I know how I really am. The friends that I know to be my truest of all are the same I have had for almost 3 years. Hazel, Aaron (from my first high school), Mike, Mitch, and John. They know how I am, and I know they don't like it all of the time, but they accept this about me because I am not so blind to believe that I am flawless. I love this about my friends, well these friends. I can be completely honest with them and they will still be my friends. And I can't really put into words how much I love them, even their flaws.
Basically I just want people to start to accept themselves for the people that they are and not to pretend. If you want to change, truly change, you will do so because you want to; not because someone is "making you." That lasts about as long as the relationship with that person, whether it be friendship or more. I have made many changes over the past years and many of them went away after I didn't talk to the person or people that I changed for, because I didn't do it for myself. I did it for them, which is nice, but is should have been for me. I reget some of the changes I made about myself over the years, but I can't say that I would change the fact that I made them. Now I am my own person and stronger than I ever was before. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself since moving out and being on my own. And I know that I have. I know I am not finished growing, that I still have more to do, but I think I can tell where I am going and I can't think of a reason to not like it.
Thank you to my friends, the ones that don't disappear after a while because they are too busy for me. I will always be here for you, and I trust that you will always be here for me.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn Positivity Blog 54Positive:
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Ttfn Positivity Blog 53 (10-30-09)Positive:
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Ttfn 10月29日 Positivity Blog 52Positive:
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Ttfn Positivity Blog 50 (10-27-09)Positive:
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Ttfn 10月26日 Positivity Blog 49Positive:
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Ttfn 10月25日 Positivity Blog 48Positive:
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Ttfn Move PeopleI just realized just now how much trust I put into people when I leave my notebooks with them. If they opened it, even when I said not to, they would find out some deeply personal things about me. Every little thought and every little daydream, one way or another, finds it's way onto a piece of paper or into a word document. Maybe this is why I don't trust people, because I don't think anybody could possibly respect that many things that I wish to keep private. Every single paper in my house is in danger of having some secret or private thought on it. Even ones that I will eventually have to show someone.
I used to write on my assignment papers after the teachers had returned them to me, which is why I still have a lot of my old assignment papers. I really can't help myself from writing down my thoughts... I feel so much better after I've written them down.
Right now I am a bit nervous and annoyed though. I can't really say why here, but I am. I kind of want to move away and escape everyone I know here because a lot of the people I know here are the same person repeated and I am starting to become very self-centered because I've just stopped talking to people and caring about their simple little problems that overall won't play a huge role in their lives, it just seems so important now. Although, I realize that a lot of my problems are the same way. Well, most of my problems are the same way. At least I can own up to the fact that I know that I am becoming increasingly self-centered, but it all seems so pointless right now. All the parental problems and all of the tiny things at work.
Who cares? Parents are parents. Family is family. Work is work. My positivity blogs have opened my eyes to to the fact that a lot of the things people get upset at their parents, families, or work for are simply excuses to complain and petty. I know I am not an acception, but I think that I have been good so far, I just care far too much about my own world, and yet I don't. About the only thing I care about right now, at this point, is leaving this small town because it is doing nothing for me. I used to have a reason to stay here, a real reason that walked out on me and looking back, it wasn't really a good reason in the end because I was tired of the crap and sick of all the shit that I had to make myself go through just to be unappreciated. Why the fuck do I deserve that? Hmm? Why. I don't know why. I can't just sit around waiting around for people anymore, it is driving me mad.
I am sick of sitting here, but I know that I need to just go and get my schooling over with. I think I want to become a journalist. It would be an interesting job and it would keep me interested almost always. I am thinking about that being my major. Now I know that journalists are complete and utter assholes, well most of them, but I plan on being different and of my own kind. Sure it won't be easy, but I want to do it. I want to be able to do something interesting and fullfilling to MY LIFE. It will require me to go so far outside my bubble and I am completely okay with that for the first time in my life because I am sick of my bubble. Sick of the bubble that many people in my life have made for me and I have just simply respected it because I didn't want to hurt them. Well it hurts me to hold myself back as much as I do. It hurts me more than I can express.
I am tired of this small town where everybody knows everybody and there is always a business about this or that and it makes no difference. Sure the career I have choosen won't always have big ground breaking stories or something that will truely change how things are run, but it feels right that I enter that field. It is really something I have pictured before, and I think that I could really help people in that way, let's face it: my idea of book writing is nice, but it is airy and not really something that I am all too keen to do. I am not good or talented or even have the amount of patients required to make up fantacy books. I would LOVE to be that person, and I am still going to write my poetry and for sure write three books in my lifetime, but they are going to be about something I am passionate about, not about how much this one girls parents hates her for something that they don't really know the whole story about.
Looking back on that story, it is incredibly immature and it doesn't make any sense. I want to write something moving and powerful in it's own right. I want to move people.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn Positivity Blog 47 (10-24-09)Positive:
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Bye-Bye, Ttfn 10月24日 Positivity Blog 46 (10-23-09)Positive:
Okay, this is short and not everything, but I am soooo flockin tired and I need to be semi-awake for work tomorrow.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 10月23日 Positivity Blog 45 (10-22-09)Positive:
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Ttfn 10月22日 Positivity Blog 44 (10-21-09)Positive:
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Ttfn 10月21日 Positivity Blog 43 (10-20-09)Postivie:
Hung out with Andy tonight, it was surprisingly fun.
Chyenne didn't have an accident
Went to Sharis with John ^__^
Work was really quick
I have gotten back into reading the last Harry Potter book.
Hung out with another Andy at the mall today
Talked with Stephen a bit
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Lost my temper and walked off when I saw someone
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 10月19日 Positivity Blog 42Positive:
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Bye-Bye, Ttfn Positivity Blog 41 (10-18-09)Positive:
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Well today was just pretty much an all around good day xD I had a lot of fun and I almost peed my pants more than three times laughing so hard XD I almost kicked John in the head too XD It was pretty funny. Haggen is SO much fun lol xD I am not sure why though.
But! I should go! Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 10月17日 Positivity Blog 40Positive:
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Ttfn Bloggity Blog BlogI have realized that I have just been kind of drifting through my days and not really paying much attention to how I feel or should feel towards a given situation. But I don't really care about going numb right now, all I need is for a momentary feeling of happiness every now and then and it keeps me going.
This happiness comes when I am in the worst kind of depression and I am praying, it feels like the ropes that were binding my chest have been cut free and it is like I am tasting breath for the first time; and for one brilliant second, I am free and nothing could ever be wrong. It is like nothing I have ever experienced, honestly. I will not say the topic of the prayer, but I will say that it truly moves me forward; because of hese prayers I have not had a true relapse in my goal for positivity, though it has been hard.
I have been getting upset with my dog, Chyenne, because she just won't go to the bathroom quickly, and this morning she kept pretending she was going to poop and then run away from the spot where nothing rested. It's frustrating. I don't understand it and I am about on my last nerve with her, since I take her out, but still she has accidents. I am thinking I might have to give her away, but I really don't want to have to do that... she is one of the few things that keeps me here.
Anyways, I am at work right now and I thought that since I am here and there is literally NOTHING to do, I would make a little blog about my prayer =)
I know that prayer isn't for everyone, I think that whatever is meaningful and special to the person is the best means to communicate with yourself or God, if you believe in Him. I do, but prayer is also a time for me to think about things and gather my thoughts... kind of like these blogs. I don't just write them because I am so angry or I am so happy or I am whichever other thing. I write them because they are meaningful to me, even my silly ones or the ones where make a total ass out of myself. I look back on them and gather information about myself and how to change myself, if I don't like what I see. It is kind of like my own free therapy, and it works for me.
I have decided on a project that I am going to be doing, but it will take some time and some research because I want it to be done well. It isn't for school or anything, but it would be kind of funny to be a school project. It is going to help me with my writing though because it won't really be like anything that I have done before, mainly because I will have done my homework on the things that I am going to be writing about. It won't be on this site though. I want to keep it to myself, really, because I think it will be fun for me, and a little bit funny =P
Well, I should probably get on with my work. I will be writing my usual positivity blog tonight. OH YEAH!! Amanda is coming here next month (or the end of this month, depending on a few things)!
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 10月16日 Positivity Blog 39Positive:
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Ttfn 10月15日 Positivity Blog 38Positive:
Well I can't think of anything else at this time...
OH WAIT XD At Haggen it was pretty funny because Mike called some number he found in the men's bathroom and I said I bet it was gonna be an old woman, and it was lol xD And from the sound of it, she wasn't from around here =P I felt bad for her though, it was about 9:45 when he called her.
Well I best be off to bed if I plan on waking up early and working out/walking Chyenne.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn |
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