I don’t know anymore. I want to leave. I want to stay. I want what? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? I don’t know. I need a free-day to write. I love, I hate. I am shutting up my mind’s gate. I am a pillar, I will stand strong. Nothing will take me down. I will write. What do I want? I want him, I want Leif. I want to leave Washington. I want Rebecca. I want to finish my book. I want to stick it out. I want college. I want to be myself and be okay with it. I want to love. I want to talk to Chris again because I miss the friendship. I want no more bullshit. I want people to grow up. I want everyone to be safe. I want to be listened to, not just heard. I want to love. I want to see friends I never get to see. I want to see Aaron, both my brother and my friend from my first high school. I want to feel. I want. I want. I want. What do I want? What do I want? I want what? I want to feel and see. I want to take it all in. I want to stick to it. I want. I want. I want. I want to be honest here. I don’t want to fake. I don’t want to die before I get my chance. I don’t want to hate. I want to be permanent, but still movable. I want to move others. I want to change something. I want. I want. I want. What do I want? I want what? I want.

 

I know that not all of this is possible. And I don't need any schooling on it either. I am just saying what I want. I needed to think. And I wasn't sure if I was going to post this. But fuck it. I am going to.

 

Bye-Bye,

Ttfn

Ah jazz... I love that music... Everyone should listen to "You'd Be So Nice To Come Home To" - Kenny Rankin. I love it.

 

Anyways. A lot has gone on my friends and invis-o friends. I went to Sakura-Con, which was really fun :D Except I didn't get to wear my costume :( Which is really lame. But oh well :) It was still really worth going. Amanda got a lot of pics taken of her xD She was a little weirded out I think lol But Leif's Peter Pan outfit was pretty funny xD I got to keep the tights he wore =O

 

Btw, I don't remember writing this or not, but I got a cellphone :D YAY!

 

My mom got a job over in WI :) She is just happy to have a job, but Idk if she is going to enjoy the work that she is doing, but who knows? She said she is going to give it a few weeks before she decides if she likes it. I hope she does.

 

Hmm... oh  yeah, my school wasn't going to give me an extention on my Sr. Project class, which would have ment that I would have failed, but we worked it all out, so I am very happy about that. I get to finish :D Yay for graduating! ^^ But yes, I am actually pretty happy they reopened it.

 

Hmm... welllll I am pretty tired. I haven't got to play Cabal all too much lately, mainly because I have been really super busy.

 

I am really happy about getting a phone though. I get to talk to my friends I never get to talk to because of having one :D Wooo

 

I can't wait to go to the college, I really need to save up though and then get my AA and then transfer to Idk where...

 

I haven't written hardly anything lately :( It makes me so sad that I haven't been, but my excuse it atm that I was busy. I should be writing more soon... I hope >.<

 

Anyways... I really want to take the Speech class at the college... I need to build up some confidence. I think I would use that class to test some things that I want to talk to people about. Nothing too big though... because I don't really want to start up anything huge with the class... I don't want to stand out in other words xD Just want to test drive some things. I need to go up there soon...

 

Speaking of leaving my house, besides work, I need to buy some foods. Amanda is still here btw. Idk what it's going to be like once she is gone... probably awkward. I have made a lot of odd realizations, I had made them before, but it was more of just a knowing thing, not a feeling it thing. For some reason what I just wrote has inspired me to write in my book some. I really need/can't wait to get back into writing. I really need to start practicing again. I was getting semi-good *not trying to toot any sort of horn* at writing poetry, but now it is all gone :( I need to perfect my craft lol I am so weird... I will probably never be great at writing.

 

You know what? I just realized I am too safe with things... Ex: The Speech class. Why not be a little bit more out there than usual? I don't know/probably will never see anyone in that class again... so why not? I think I am going to try and be a little bit more out there with things. I am kind of tired of always being "Safe-Idea-Caitlin" I want to be new and interesting, to the outside, not just to the people that really get to know me.

 

Hmm... Something I've noticed is that with a lot of my friends I am kind of trapped in my uncomfortable uniform... meaning not free to be me really. Not their fault... kind of... I guess... maybe it was me? Probably was. For not just being myself from the start. Oh well. I just like my friends and don't want all of them to be stuck on the old me and not like the new me... What am I saying though right now? Is there anything really new about me. Just that I have my own place and that I now have two jobs... I feel out of place though, like somehow I am hiding from something within me. Maybe a thing deep inside me is wanting to come out right now? I don't know... maybe I am just wanting to be more truthful to everyone, not so mysterious. Even though I am as readable as a book on the table, but according to some, I am more complicated than the single words on the page, I am the twisting plot, yet to be finished. Who knows though? I feel so self-centered right now, even though that is not the intention I have from writing this. I am just trying to figure things out, particularly myself out. I don't think anyone knows who "themself" is. Kind of an interesting thing to think about though. Also, what I have noticed is that one of my closest friends is the hardest for me to be myself around, but I like that about him, because he is light and airy and he allows for me to just forget all my troubles for a little bit. Maybe this is because I rarely get to see him? I'm not sure. Possibly. I am trying to think of what to type up next, but I am not sure what that is. So maybe I will just end it. I think I will. But I probably won't for another paragraph or so.

 

Everything I write in my blogs is "I this" or "I that." Why not something not me? I think (there I go again, but oh well) it is because I let my mind free to think about me for a little bit here. I could write about other things that fill my mind, but I am not sure on the facts about them, but there is no harm in writing them I suppose. So many things right now, but I am not sure where to start, or if they are even appropriate to start where other eyes that my not understand can read the words. That was a bit of a run-on, but that is okay. It is my blog. I can write that way here because it isn't a paper I am turning into teacher. Even though, very soon, I will not be handing in papers to teachers for a little while. Not until August, I think. I am nervous about how things will go over the next few years.

 

At Sakura-Con I started thinking about the end of the world and things like that, but I can't remember the detail my mind went into it. I wish I could have written it down; well I could have had I brought some paper and a penceil, but I didn't and there isn't much I can do about that now. And, as I said before, I haven't ended my blog for about a paragraph or so. But that is alright with me, it has helped me release a lot that has been going on. Come tomorrow I won't remember half the things I was thinking of saying tonight. Hell, I can't even remember them now. Perhaps that is because I don't have my jazz music playing anymore.

 

Well I better get going, it is late and I have to work tomorrow, hopefully it will be dead at the apartments.

 

Bye-bye,

Ttfn