Yup. So, I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I have been out a lot though, so that could explain it. I am excited for this Sunday because Hazel is spending the night :) She is pretty awesome. I think so anyways.

 

Hmm... well the days I am going to be in Wisconson have changed, so I am trying to figure all that out. Oh yeah! Leif can still be counted as a kid xD It is pretty funny. I am going to have to talk with Stacey more about my flight days. It's a long story.

 

Anywho, I should go shower and clean and take Chyenne for a walk. Hopefully this will be a good thing. -.- Meaning she will ACTUALLY go potty. Alright, gonna go.

 

Bye-Bye,

Ttfn

I hurt more.

 

Bye-Bye,
Ttfn

I haven't written here in for too long... I know it's only been a couple weeks.

 

I keep not responding to my e-mails =\ I have read them and everything, I just haven't responded. I am just lazy I guess. Always am with things like that. It's not even that hard to write an e-mail...

 

Lately... I feel like I don't really have any friends. But that is because a lot of people in my life have flaked on me. I am never in too much shock when someone just doesn't talk to me anymore. I simply move on. It sucks, it really does, but I can't just sit around and think about all the people who have let me down. All the people who betrayed me and I had to see every single day at school. Every single memory from my childhood has a person that has hurt me. Even more recent memories. I don't really understand why though... I am not mean to them. I don't really think that I am mean to a lot of people I know. If I don't like a person I don't go out of my way to talk to them, so I don't lead people on... Because of how 99% of the people have treated me in my life, I don't trust anyone really. I don't trust people I have known for years with my most personal thoughts. Not even my siblings know.

 

I know that I don't look like I care when someone stabs me in the back. Partly because I don't want to have ANYONE I know see the pain that is really there. So it hurts. I am human, afterall. People don't seem to like to treat me as such. Or the fact that they like to ignore that I do in fact have feelings. I don't care, come to me with your problems, come to me with your doubts, if you need someone to talk to, just IM me or phone me or text me. I will listen. No matter how much you have hurt me or denied my friendship or the rarity of our talks; I am here. This is the one thing that I have learned to do: be there for someone that is hurting; too many times was I hurting and there was no one. I won't take advantage of your openness, nor will I judge or, nor will I blackmail you. I take your trust in my seriously. Not one secret of yours will not leave my lips if you ask me not to tell anyone. I will be there, but expect advice that you may not want or did not ask for.

 

Trust me to keep a secret or a hurt that you are afraid to show. I know how it is. I really do, all too well. Even strangers can talk to me. I will listen.

 

But. I must go.

 

Bye-Bye,

Ttfn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A response that echoes in my head and through everyone’s lips is a phrase. “Oh, I don’t care.” What does this mean? Why not care. Why not express. Why not? Always, with everyone, not just with one group or party, this includes myself, no one cares. “I don’t care” is used when you really don’t want to or really do care, but you just want the person to stop bugging you about it. I really hate this phrase. Why won’t anyone express their feelings.

 

I feel broken from this phrase, I dread to hear it. No one cares. The reason I say no one is because, as said above, everyone’s mouth has uttered it when it does matter to the other person. Stop not caring. Care.

 

Too bad no one will ever see this. Too bad I don’t feel safe enough or cared about enough to let someone read it. I am sick of that phrase. So very tired of it. Too bad no one will stand up and say that it bothers them.

 

Stop bugging me with not caring. Stop bugging me my mind, but then, you so rarely do now, so continue to bug me. Bug me with my thoughts of caring and not caring and depression. Haunt me with thoughts that never stop. Tease me with bits here and there of something inspirational that I can’t quite grasp. Things just out of reach. Things I want to change; but cannot. Give me something to look forward to tomorrow and not just the fact that it will end, I will sleep, and I will think a thousand thoughts before trying to drown them out with something stupid on youtube. Or with people. Or with something. Keep bugging me mind and drive me to my madness, where I already am, but drive me further. Please. There isn’t much you can do for me now except make me go farther over the edge. I want to be inspired. I guess being depressed is my way, but not completely sickeningly depressed. Well. I should go.

 

Bye-Bye,
Ttfn

I am kind of bored. I am kind of a lot of things right now. But I am not kind of happy.

 

Bye-Bye,

Ttfn