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9月30日 I am not going to lie, today kind of blew a lot of balls. I don't really think it is bad for me to have a few bad days... I am feeling guilty of something which is why I am not able to just give myself a rest. Rest that I really do need.
I have been in the mood to post a few poems that I have written, but they are kind of shitty. Oh well. That never stoped me before :) So maybe I will... I feel like writing about lust really, I am not really sure why, even before this whole deal that has happened, I wanted to write about it. So maybe I will work on that from now on, it seems like a lot more fun than what I currently try to write about. So I think changing into something new would be good for my writing.
I can't remember the last time I just sat and talked to you, My Blog. I think I need to do this more, since right now I don't really have a shoulder to cry on, except my own, and this would help me get some things out of my system. I feel like being completely honest with you suddenly, you know how I have been in the past; always the secrets, always covering myself from something or someone that isn't really there. Or isn't really there with the intent of hurting me.
That will be a hard lesson to learn.
I am learning a lot about myself that I had forgetten. I had forgotten how strong I am. I had forgotten a lot about myself because I don't really care for myself, it is not really in my nature to, I guess that was a problem... You know what though? I don't know the lines. I don't know the boundaries until I step on them enough times so that people actually tell me where it is. Where are the lines of anything really? I know my lines, I do, I don't always stay true to my own lines though; something I am ashamed of, but then, why should I be? I only do something if I want to or if I am in a fit of rage (in which case I am use phrases that make it out to be many more degress' worse than how I actually feel). Maybe I am not truly happy with myself... I think I am for the most part though.
I was thinking a lot tonight and I realized that I am not really good for a lot of people, not for them to really know me. I think that it is odd that I am so willing to know everything about everyone and not be willing to share a damn thing about myself. I suppose that is just my defense, I don't blackmail people. I just like to observe more than be observed. I don't like being figured out, basically. I like people knowing as little as they possibly can about me.
Part of me really wishes I could just sit and watch, but I like to change what is happening, so I like being involved.
Well I better go... my neck and face is getting hot from talking to someone.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn Positive:
- Chyenne pooped outside
- I sang a bit today
- Talked with some people
- Hung out with Heather and Megan while they were working
- New episode of Glee came out today :)
- Wasn't at the mall till way too late.
- I got to read for a bit
- Had a move-in today
- We had SOME traffic today, compared to the nothing that we had yesterday.
- I am thinking of getting a new job.
Negative:
- I am really depressed tonight, but that is alright, I knew it was gonna come around sometime :) I can't run from it forever.
- I went to the mall even though I REALLY didn't want to.
- Didn't get a good nights rest so the past few days I have been a zombie at work...
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn Positive:
- Work went by quickly
- Hung out with Megan
- Hung out with Stephen
- Saw Leif...
- Hung out with David for a bit.
- I am currently on the 5th Harry Potter book =D
- I wore my dress today and I liked it =)
Chyenne didn't poop inside.
Negative:
- Lashed out at someone and I didn't mean it =\
- Didn't take Chyenne for her walk.
9月29日 Anger is something that sets in slow for me, but once it sets, it is powerful. Sometimes I lash out and do or say something stupid, and a part of me means it, but the real part of me, the part that I know I am doesn't mean it at all. The hurt side of me always wants whoever or whatever to hurt more than myself. It is simple defense. I hate this about myself. This is why I tend to stay away from those that hurt me or have hurt me if I think that I can't control myself.
I lost control of myself today and my hurt side burst out. Now I've hurt someone that I hold very dear to me. Just because I hurt doesn't make it right for me to hurt the other person, I wish I could have myself truly grasp this. No matter how hard I try, I keep lashing, I keep hurting others, and I loose control.
There is nothing wrong with me stating my opinion, but I present my opinion in a hurtful way a lot of the time, and even when the appearence is nice, the intention is to hurt, and people who really know me can see this.
I think that this should be my next goal... self-control. To truly learn and grasp the concept of just because I hurt, doesn't mean that I should make the one that hurt me or anyone for that matter hurt.
I am sorry to the ones I hurt.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月28日 Positive:
- Hung out with Hazel
- Slept in until 11 xD
I didn't leave my house until 1:30
- Hung out with my dad, Rae, AJ, and Kelsey
- Went to Olive Garden
- Saw my Aunt TC =DDD And Uncle John
- My day went by really quickly
- Saw Mike and Mitch at the mall
- Talked with Stephen for a bit
- I love my new bear hats way too much xD
Negative:
- Chyenne didn't poop today.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn Positive:
- Hung out with Aaron
- Aaron spent the night last night
- Chyenne didn't poop inside :D
- Hung out with David
- Went to the mall and hung out with the Boarder's friend that I have xD
- I slept until 10, ooohhh yeeeaaahh xD
- I sang A LOT
- I ate breakfast and lunch... and a kind of dinner.
- Hung out with Mike, Mitch, and Aaron at Haggen tonight.
- Clint was a little calmer today, but I still couldn't let him out of his kennel because he wants to destroy my plant.
- I didn't cry today :D
- I played the Sims3
- Talked with Amanda
- Found AMAZING figurines :D
- Barely any depression today
- I am finding out how strong of a will I have, which is a lot stronger than I thought it was.
- Dancing is so much fun
- I got to wear my new shirt today >:)
- People at Haggen thought I was high xDD It was pretty funny.
- I love my new bear hats XD
- There was literally NOTHING negative today =DDD
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月26日 Positive:
Hung out with the two cool James' that I know, it was pretty awesome.
Going to hang out with Aaron tonight
My house is all clean now, except the bathroom because I am lazy =P I will do that tomorrow, probably.
Chyenne didn't poop in the house :)
Clint is out of his kennel for now, not while I am going to bed though, I still like to sleep.
Work went by surpisingly fast today.
I learned how to use the balloon thing... I don't know what it is called.
Fnished my book, now I am re-reading another one called "Lord of the Flies"
I hung out with Mike and Mitch last night at Haggen.
Talked to Amanda today, twas pretty amazing.
Negative:
Got angry with my boss's boss because he is just being very annoying to me right now.
My vaccum is starting to break.
Cried a little this morning, but it has been a long time since I last cried, so I think it was healthy.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn You are a wolf - one of the strongest and respected animals there are throughout history. The wolf is a determined, tough, and versatile creature found in almost any environment: from mountains to deserts to prairies. Although the wolf personality can represent the strength and ability that comes from a lone wolf, this is actually quite rare. Most of the time wolves, like in nature, thrive and survive in packs, coordinating in an organized manner within their society. Wolves also tend to often have many close and loyal friends around them to back them up in times of need just as they stand behind those they care about. In relationships, most wolves also remain faithful to their partner and maintain a strong friendship no matter what happens - they generally keep in contact with their past lovers and never forget the bond they have as companions. The wolf inspires strength, loyalty, and faith in others even in the darkest times. They are strong, deep-thinking, loyal personalities and can always be counted on in the end. If you look into a person with a wolf-like spirit, you realize that they have deep and powerful eyes that are hard to discern what they are thinking about or feeling. Wolves often may not show emotion as much as others, but inside lingers much thought and feeling. Howling at the full moon as the gentle breeze flows across the mountain side, the wolf reminds everyone to stand strong even in the darkest of nights.
9月25日 Positive:
- Hung out with John
- Got a move-in today
- I keep singing cause it brings me joy
- Chyenne pooped outside
- My house is getting cleaner
- Hung out with John
- Stacey stopped by the office today, it was nice to see her.
- Elizabeth came and visited the office as well.
- Susan came and talked a while this morning and this afternoon
- Today went by fast, I barely had a bad thought.
- Glee was HILARIOUS!
- Talked to Mom today :)
- Talked with my friend Adam.
Negative:
- I got upset when I didn't know the move-in was coming in early.
- I realized today I am not cut out for housing, I don't like taking houses away when they can't pay.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月24日 To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
You've been trying to reach me, you bought me a book
To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
I've been paid, I've been paid
To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
You've been trying to reach me, you bought me a book
To be lost in the forest, to be caught adrift
I've been paid, I've been wait, I've been...
Don't get offended, if I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts, and keep making me smarter
And don't get offended, if I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to, be more discerning
I've never known, what's good for me
Baby, you've got, to be more demanding
I will be yours
I'll pay for you, anytime
I'll pay for you, anytime
And you told me you wanted, to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted, to eat up my sadness
Jump right
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
And baby, you've got to be more demanding
Jump left
What are you holding out for?
What's always (in the way)?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared (of romance)?
Ah, ah, ah, ah
This modern love (Ah, ah, ah), breaks me
Ah, ah, ah, ah
This modern love (Ah, ah, ah), wastes me
Ah, ah, ah, ah
This modern love (Ah, ah, ah), breaks me
Ah, ah, ah, ah
This modern love (Ah, ah, ah), wastes me
Do you wanna come over, and kill some time?
Do you wanna come over, and kill some time?
Do you wanna come over, and kill some time?
Throw your arms around me
Today wasn't really a stand out and be positive even though it's hard days. Today was just good. I am really liking the changes I am making :) Oh yeah last night I went to Super WalMart with Mike, Mitch, and John and before we went there I yelled at Mike and Mitch O.o All three of them were shocked. John said I should let the raving bitch out of myself more often lol xD
Positive:
- Work went by quickly
- Chyenne pooped outside
- Hung out with Megan and Jessica
- Ate more than I have in a while
- Cleaned a bit of the house today
I read a lot today and I am almost finished with my book, I stopped today otherwise I would already be onto the next one.
- I didn't spend money on things today =D Except for some food.
- I am going to watch Glee =D
- Talked to mom and Amanda today =))
- Talked to Aaron (my friend from my first high school)
- Talked to my friend Adam.
Negative:
- Got upset because my comcast bill went up.
- Haven't worked out in a long while and I am really thinking I need to.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn I know that it is damn near one >_< Sorry about that!
Positive:
- Hung out with Mike, Mitch, and John.
- Hung out with Hazel
- Went to the mall and hung out with Megan and Heather.
- Work went by so quickly today.
- I had a lot to do at work today.
- I was in a really good mood today.
- I didn't call in sick even though I really really wanted to be late.
- I am almost finished re-reading "Lamb"
- Hung out with David for a little bit as well :)
- Talked with Aaron and made plans to hang out with him on Saturday and Sunday.
- Talked to mom today =) It was nice to hear from her.
Negative:
- Bought a shirt even though I shouldn't have. Next time I will not give into my money-spending temptation.
- Chyenne pooped in the house today because I fed her twice yesterday, she can only handle one bowl a day and I knew that.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月22日 Positive:
- Work was easy
- Got to go to the high school
- I hung out for a bit with Mike and Mitch
- Chyenne pooped outside
- I wasn't as tired as I thought I'd be, I stayed out till 1:30 AM
- I ate a little bit today, but that is better than nothing.
- Stacey was angry, but it was kind of funny, but I do feel bad for all of her apartments with bugs.
- There were a couple of people who are for sure moving in this week :)
- I am feeling better than I have since last week.
- Hazel is going to help me with my shopping for clothes? A dress?
- I found an awesome mask shop.
- I am going to get food for my apartment.
- I am holding stronger than I ever thought I could, but that is good.
- My futon is awesome, even though I don't have it yet.
- Mom and I were texting today.
- Dave is keeping his job.
- My older brother, Aaron, and I talked some today.
Negative:
- I have yet to call a therapist.
- I need to fold all my laundry.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月21日 Positive:
- Went to the college
- Saw Heather
- Went to the office and hung out with Stacey for a bit
- Went to the new Super WalMart
- Saw John at the college
- I was able to put up flyers for my work at the college
- Hung out with Mike and Mitch
- Got my futon frame all ordered today =D
- Ate breakfast and lunch =)
- My dryer is fixed, yay for laundry =D
- Next time I get paid I shall be getting myself the matteress for the futon =D
- Didn't cry at all today
Negative:
- I didn't clean that much
- Almost lost my temper today
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月20日 Positive:
- Talked with Amanda and mom
- Cleaned a little today
- Hung out with John
- Took Chyenne for a walk
- Chyenne pooped outside
- I got Amanda a Christmas present the other day
Negative:
- Cried almost half of the day
- Didn't sleep well
- Didn't eat a lot today
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月19日 Positive:
- Work was easy
- Rented an apartment :D
- Wrote a blog
- Lamb is getting easier to read
- Wasn't really depressed today
- Talked to mom and Amanda
- Talked with Jill
- Talked with Milton
- Talked with the job corps student
- Hung out with Heather :) It was nice to see her out of her place of work
- Hung out with David and Jenny
- Hung out with Stephen
- I got lost in my book today
- Chyenne pooped outside =D
- I sang my heart out, which is something I haven't done in a while
- My dryer is getting fixed on Monday.
- Going to the Navy exchange on Monday the 28th for a futon =)
- Probably going to hang out with Jill on Monday.
- Drank a lot of water
- Ate dinner
- Remembered a lot of good things today, even though the other person won't read them.
- I felt confident today.
Negative:
- Cried this morning and last night.
- I was dead tired all day because I got bad sleep.
- Couldn't eat breakfast or lunch
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn These past two days have been hard for me as I start to realize there is no one for me when I go home. And all the couples I see make me relive something that I had and still want. No one to call when I am about to cry. No one there to love on me and I to love on them when it is needed.
But independence isn't bad. I'd venture that it has been good for me.
No matter what. I will stay loyal to the relationship I had, even if the other party does not and it is not anyone's place to tell him otherwise either, not even mine.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn
- TomAto
- Rusty (I still have him)
- The first ring
- Times at West View
- Drama club
- Plays
- Lights booth
- Love
- First kiss
- My house
- Your house
- Babysitting
- My dad's house
- Necklace
- Camping trips
- Sleep overs
- Movies
- I love you's
- The chair
- Aaron's house
- Poetry for you
- The happiness when together
- The walks home
- Sharing past secrets
- Keeping our own secrets
- Birthday parties
- Christmas together
- Futures we planned
- Playing computer games
- Bonding (we used to just play hit eachother)
- Cuddling
- The love you showed me, that no one else would or will.
- Your caring brown eyes.
- Moments of true trust.
- Rock Band parties
- Jolly Ranchers (it was a secret name for something that I still have)
- All the nicknames we had for one another
- Late night phone calls
- The almost heartbreak, but we kept trying, you used to not want to give up.
- Fires at your house whenever I spent the night
- Walking to your house when we could be alone that night
- Bus rides
- Hiding from a crowd just to get in one good kiss
- Texting eachother
- Good times at the college :)
- Sakura-Con
- Rides my mom gave you home and we would just sit in the back seat, loving on one another.
- The inside jokes like: Plum, medicate yourself, grapes, 747 (lol)
- The time I refused to play along with 747 when he wanted to kiss me. You meant more and you alway will.
- The days we spent walking in the rain
- Learning how to skateboard with your arms to catch me
- Just holding eachother
- When I went to visit you at your grandma's even though there was 11 inches of snow and you were really sick. I still kissed you.
- Going to shows and dancing like we were home alone
- Songs I sang to you because you gave me the courage to sing where other people might hear me.
- The compromises we made for eachother
- The communication skills we have somehow lost.
- The way you smiled, when you really truely smiled.
- The love I still very much have for you.
- The way my stomach and soul lept when I was/am around you.
- All the dances we went to and looked deeply into the others eyes.
- Remember the time we got all those apple pies?
- Late nights at Shari's, where we had our very first date and our last too.
- When I made you food or when you made me food.
- The way you stood up for me when I didn't know how.
- The book I wrote for you
- The things I did, even though I didn't really want to, I did them because I love you.
- This whole positivity, is for you to see I can.
- The courage you gave me when my courage abandoned me.
- I risked getting caught at your house, and almost did several times, just to be with you.
- The computer games I have tried because you really wanted me to.
- Giving you a key to my house.
- Letting you have my e-mail password
- Letting you read my most personal things.
- When I wanted to leave, I stayed for you, because you asked me to. Because I love you.
- I would say more, but a lot of it is for private conversation.
- The tuna you gave me for Valentine's Day
- The shared ten minute breaks that we had when I worked at Spencer's
- Hanging out at Sabarro
- Change of plans, even though I thought it was bad, it was fine. I just didn't know how to handle it.
- Fun at the BattleDen
- Our 2 year aniversary was Feb. 14 at Haggen :) I thought that was really romantic for some reason.
- Going to Hot Topic when you were working.
- The honesty that I still have with you.
- The poems you made for me and the single blog too.
- I love the first book too.
- The head full of thoughts that I have for you still.
- How sexy that I really think you are.
- The support I tried to give, but didn't know how, but I tried.
- When you slept on my bed with me when mom and Dave were still here =) I will always remember that. I woke up so happy not to move.
- The night that you and I were picking out movies at dad's house and you gave me the first ring.
- Buying eachother on the MySpace app we have.
- When I first got my kennel, I am not sure you remember, but I do.
- The blanket you gave me.
- The Panda shirt
- The dream shirt
- So many shirts
- The pillow you gave me
- I made you a heart made out of pipe cleaners
- I wrote all over a piece of paper
- I let you draw the CMS heart on my hand and I didn't stop redrawing it there for months.
- Getting groceries with no car xD Walking home was fun
- The fun we had in the Hall at the office I now work at.
- One of my favorite memories is when we were at West View and we were laying down on the mats together, this was "before" we started dating, I wanted to kiss you so badly.
- Also, onetime when we were on the CatWalk because you convinced me to come up, even though I am afraid of hieghts, we just sat and talked about things, again a time I wanted you to kiss me.
- Fixing things we did wrong to one another.
- When you first started pulling up your hair you wouldn't do it around me because you thought I didn't like it.
- I always always always felt like nothing could ever harm me when I was/am with you.
- When I put on your clothes
- When you put on my shorts when we were on that road trip with dad xD
- The hot tub here where I work :)
- When you met all of my family for the first time
- I loved meeting your family, even though I was nervous and the occation wasn't the greatest.
- I love listening to you tell stories... I really wish you had done it more.
- Bowties =)
- When you gave me your password to your e-mail :) It showed me so much trust.
- When you posed all "sexy" for the camera
- The trust I wish you still had for me.
- When you still loved me.
- How much we used to BOTH miss eachother, now it is just me missing you.
- You gave me your matteress because mine was bad
- You gave me your chair because you were going to move in for sure.
- When you helped me with my puzzles
- The sweatshirts you let me borrow
- The times when you actually read my blogs
- All those times we loved on eachother
- When we used to shower together.
- Laughing at weird times
- When you visited me at work here.
- The way you used to get protective of me when you felt someone was overstepping their boundary with me.
- You helped me realize a lot about myself and I wish I could have done the same for you.
- The friends we met through eachother.
- The times we just stuck to it because we wanted it to work. I still want it to work.
- When you started leaving clothes here because you spent the night.
9月18日 Positive:
- Finsihed Harry Potter
- Work is going pretty easy
- Slept alright
- Getting my dryer fixed on Monday
- Dishes are all finished
- Re-reading Lamb
- Hardly had any depression today
- Talked with Susan
- Talked with Stacey
- Amanda called me :)
- Went and hung out at the mall and Haggen
- Chyenne pooped today :) She is no longer all plugged up lol
Negative:
- Found out that someone doesn't think anything about what is going on with my situation. They have everything they want right now.
- Jill didn't come to lunch.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn 9月17日 Well it is a little late in the evening, but I almost forgot to post it, I just got home.
Positive:
- Fed animals (I have been everyday, no worries)
- Work went surprisingly well even though there was a owner's meeting.
- I went to visit Leif yesterday, I don't know if I mentioned that.
- Hung out at the mall last night and tonight.
- Mike, Mitch, and I all went to Lover's after hanging out at ColdStone =D
- Jill and I are having lunch tomorrow.
- I slept okay.
- Clint is pretty mellow now that he is fixed, I just have to clean my house up so he can be out of the kennel.
- Ate breakfast.
- Ate dinner.
- Glee episode today :D I forgot to watch it yesterday.
- Super WalMart opened yesterday, which is pretty nice.
- Oct. 23rd
- One week of silence should be good for me.
- Found out why I get so depressed between the hours of 9:30pm-11:30pm.
- I am almost finished with the 4th Harry Potter book :D Should be finished tomorrow if it isn't too busy.
Negative:
- Was really stressed about owner's meeting.
- A lot of my good positive work went down the toliet last night, but I am working on it.
- Thought a lot of depressing thoughts today, but everytime I did, I just moved my ring to my other finger, which helped me a lot for some reason.
Well that is pretty much it. I hope all of you are doing well :) I am going to be setting up my therapy sessions soon. I just need to know some things before I call.
Bye-Bye,
Ttfn
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