I just realized just now how much trust I put into people when I leave my notebooks with them. If they opened it, even when I said not to, they would find out some deeply personal things about me. Every little thought and every little daydream, one way or another, finds it's way onto a piece of paper or into a word document. Maybe this is why I don't trust people, because I don't think anybody could possibly respect that many things that I wish to keep private. Every single paper in my house is in danger of having some secret or private thought on it. Even ones that I will eventually have to show someone.

 

I used to write on my assignment papers after the teachers had returned them to me, which is why I still have a lot of my old assignment papers. I really can't help myself from writing down my thoughts... I feel so much better after I've written them down.

 

Right now I am a bit nervous and annoyed though. I can't really say why here, but I am. I kind of want to move away and escape everyone I know here because a lot of the people I know here are the same person repeated and I am starting to become very self-centered because I've just stopped talking to people and caring about their simple little problems that overall won't play a huge role in their lives, it just seems so important now. Although, I realize that a lot of my problems are the same way. Well, most of my problems are the same way. At least I can own up to the fact that I know that I am becoming increasingly self-centered, but it all seems so pointless right now. All the parental problems and all of the tiny things at work.

 

Who cares? Parents are parents. Family is family. Work is work. My positivity blogs have opened my eyes to to the fact that a lot of the things people get upset at their parents, families, or work for are simply excuses to complain and petty. I know I am not an acception, but I think that I have been good so far, I just care far too much about my own world, and yet I don't. About the only thing I care about right now, at this point, is leaving this small town because it is doing nothing for me. I used to have a reason to stay here, a real reason that walked out on me and looking back, it wasn't really a good reason in the end because I was tired of the crap and sick of all the shit that I had to make myself go through just to be unappreciated. Why the fuck do I deserve that? Hmm? Why. I don't know why. I can't just sit around waiting around for people anymore, it is driving me mad.

 

I am sick of sitting here, but I know that I need to just go and get my schooling over with. I think I want to become a journalist. It would be an interesting job and it would keep me interested almost always. I am thinking about that being my major. Now I know that journalists are complete and utter assholes, well most of them, but I plan on being different and of my own kind. Sure it won't be easy, but I want to do it. I want to be able to do something interesting and fullfilling to MY LIFE. It will require me to go so far outside my bubble and I am completely okay with that for the first time in my life because I am sick of my bubble. Sick of the bubble that many people in my life have made for me and I have just simply respected it because I didn't want to hurt them. Well it hurts me to hold myself back as much as I do. It hurts me more than I can express.

 

I am tired of this small town where everybody knows everybody and there is always a business about this or that and it makes no difference. Sure the career I have choosen won't always have big ground breaking stories or something that will truely change how things are run, but it feels right that I enter that field. It is really something I have pictured before, and I think that I could really help people in that way, let's face it: my idea of book writing is nice, but it is airy and not really something that I am all too keen to do. I am not good or talented or even have the amount of patients required to make up fantacy books. I would LOVE to be that person, and I am still going to write my poetry and for sure write three books in my lifetime, but they are going to be about something I am passionate about, not about how much this one girls parents hates her for something that they don't really know the whole story about.

 

Looking back on that story, it is incredibly immature and it doesn't make any sense. I want to write something moving and powerful in it's own right. I want to move people.

 

Bye-Bye,

Ttfn