Sometimes I wonder about how many times I've helped someone and they won't know that I have helped them until much later in life, and by then they will have forgotten my name and who exactly I was in relation to the change. They would know that I was the start of the change and that they are thankful for the change, but they won't truly remember the silly situation they were in at the time and why they choose to confide in me, and not a friend?

 

I find it interesting that many people do this, including myself. I choose someone that I know and probably shouldn't trust to keep my secret. The odd thing is is that they do, as if they have been given some sort of thing to protect. And I do the same for these people. Mostly because I want them to do that to perfect strangers or to people they disagree with, or maybe even hate. I think that it is important to try to spread this. I sound like some crazy person, saying that I could possibly teach random people, friends even, a lesson or two. But I like to think that some of the time I do, especially with this.

 

It is so much easier to tell someone who doesn't even know you all about your problems because, really, who are they gonna tell? And honestly, when are you ever going to see them again? Why not tell someone you don't get along with, sure there is a risk that they might ruin you, but there is also the chance of a friendship that could last you the rest of your life. I find that a lot of my long term friends are the ones I just choose one day to trust blindly, just out of the blue after not liking them for so long. I think this is because I like to push people I like at first away and then they think that I don't like them and then I have to try and regain their trust, whereas people I have already pushed away and still talk to, I can just gain a first trust. It will be untarnished and completely new. I like it that way. It sounds odd that this is the way I do it, but it is. I guess it is just my way of trying to see the real people from the fake ones that so often enter my life. I don't mind the fake people, though. It gives me a chance to show them something that they might not have seen before and it allows for them to know that they CAN be themselves around me, so long as they accept the bad parts about themself and not try to deny it.

 

That is one thing that really irritates me about a lot of people, they won't own up to their flaws. I own up to mine now, because really, who am I hiding from? People that I think are my friends because they think they know the real me. That makes a lot of sense, especially when I know how I really am. The friends that I know to be my truest of all are the same I have had for almost 3 years. Hazel, Aaron (from my first high school), Mike, Mitch, and John. They know how I am, and I know they don't like it all of the time, but they accept this about me because I am not so blind to believe that I am flawless. I love this about my friends, well these friends. I can be completely honest with them and they will still be my friends. And I can't really put into words how much I love them, even their flaws.

 

Basically I just want people to start to accept themselves for the people that they are and not to pretend. If you want to change, truly change, you will do so because you want to; not because someone is "making you." That lasts about as long as the relationship with that person, whether it be friendship or more. I have made many changes over the past years and many of them went away after I didn't talk to the person or people that I changed for, because I didn't do it for myself. I did it for them, which is nice, but is should have been for me. I reget some of the changes I made about myself over the years, but I can't say that I would change the fact that I made them. Now I am my own person and stronger than I ever was before. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself since moving out and being on my own. And I know that  I have. I know I am not finished growing, that I still have more to do, but I think I can tell where I am going and I can't think of a reason to not like it.

 

Thank you to my friends, the ones that don't disappear after a while because they are too busy for me. I will always be here for you, and I trust that you will always be here for me.

 

Bye-Bye,

Ttfn